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I want to be real with you. Some days I just weep. I cry in awe, I cry in sorrow. How can it all be so beautiful and complicated at the same time? How can there be so much pain and so much love? And how can we be so lucky and unlucky to experience it all?

I’ve never truly felt in my life. I’ve always felt like I was looking in, watching over. I guess there was too much to hold at such a young age. And rather than being there with it all, I ran. And I still run. I run every day from feelings I am not strong enough yet to feel. I run from relationships, I run from communities, I run from people who hurt me and people who love me —-— Its a habit. Sometimes a dangerous one——

I’m on the road to breaking it, though…..I think? But I also have respect for that part of me. The part that ran is the part that kept me going. Because god knew if I stopped it could break me. Or that’s how I view my emotions anyway.

In recent years, life has forced me to a halt. The train has broken down. All of the running and pushing caught up to me. And all that was left was to look at myself. Sit down, say what the f**k and then give myself the biggest hug I never got.

That’s why they call it an inside job, I guess. This life—- really is you facing you. Letting others hold up the mirror. And then coming home to ourselves and sitting with all of it.

As I write I gain more insight into my experiences and how they have shaped me. And how in turn they have impacted others. So here’s to sitting with the pain and figuring it all out.

Remember we only get one life in this body, with this set of parameters. What do you want to do with it? Who do you want to be?

Peace and love,

K